Jan wrote this for her department for today:
To everyone:
We have recently become aware that there has been a sharp increase in our gravity consumption since we moved into this building. In the past few months alone, our gravity use has increased over 30%. Our gravity bills are outrageous and we implore you to please cut down on your personal gravity usage, to help us "lighten the load," so to speak.
Here are some gravity-saving tips that you can use to help ease the burden on the university's budget:
1. Cut down on your gravity usage during lunch and breaks. Someone else could be making use of it during this time.
2. Get enough sleep. When you are tired you expend more gravity.
3. Remain on the upper floors as much as possible. The closer you are to the ground, the stronger the pull on your body.
4. Try to get through Mondays as fast as possible. Studies show that gravity is much stronger on Mondays.
5. Turn off the gravity in your office workspace when you are not using it. Don't forget to bolt necessary office equipment to the ground before you do this.
6. If you see anybody slouching, remind them to refer to this memo. Slouching is a sure sign that a person is using too much gravity.
Please note that the administration is taking steps to see that gravity is turned off on weekends when fewer people are present in the building. Please tie or bolt all important lab and office equipment to the floor.
There will be a scheduled gravity outage TODAY at 1pm, as we install an automatic shutoff valve in the gravity generator for times when we may exceed acceptable amounts. Further outages may follow.
Lastly, we will be installing foam padding on the walls, floor, and ceiling over the course of the next several weeks. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.
Additional measures will be taken if our gravity consumption does not lighten up.
One last thing: Do NOT try to circumvent these new policies by substituting centrifugal force. WE WILL KNOW.
-The Administration
Happy April Fools' Day!